the door to see through you

I.

I did see you saw me.
And if only I could give you the same
because only in them I saw
all the warmth and longing,
the dreams of something
I could never grant you.



II.

I wish you did not see me.
I wish these eyes were closed for you to see
the yearning, the tenderness,
the wishes
that I kept to keep,
because I know,
those eyes were seeing me
but someone else.



III.

If you want to know what is real
look at their eyes
because only then
you'll know what is real,
what is not,
and if they're even open for you
to see.

Strolling | 02/08/17

Aku terbangun. Garis kejut di beberapa titik sepanjang jalan raya ini cukup menganggu tidurku. Aku melihat ke arah tempatku tertidur tadi: pundaknya. Ia melihat ke arahku, kemudian kembali melihat ke depan.

“Tidurlah kembali,” katanya lembut, masih berkonsentrasi menyetir.

Aku melepaskan gandengan tangan kami, membenarkan rambutku yang berantakan lalu melihat ke arah tangannya, tertegun.

Sejak kapan aku bahkan terbiasa untuk mengenggam tangannya?

150519

The view of 35,000 feet above the water,
running 330 km per hour,
the beeps and clicks of safety belts,
but I only cared of touching down to the unknown land.
Outside, it was dark;
but my mom said my eyes could light up
the entire fleet, if I might

The smell of your perfume, traveled through the wind.
We rode to the last rays of sunset,
And the unknown now had its name and memories.
Then you took me home just when the sun was again to rise.
Outside, it was still dark,
and before we said good night,
our arms melted to each other.
You went home, I went in,
with my red cheeks, my mom said
that she liked you too.

The sound of the rain, and two giggling fools.
It was a bit late, but together, there was nothing as such.
Warmth was our spears, and each other's laughter was our gold star
We beat the night, the space, the improbable.
Outside, it was dark.
But we were invincible, unstoppable.
And for once, I thought forever
was a star, orbiting the space without limit.

I thought I was flying 35,000 feet above the water,
but I was just dashing through the wet asphalt.
My mind rushed faster
crawling its way to every corner of the city.
Outside, it was dark.
With a spear in my hand, I said
"We just had to beat just another nights away, again"
But I knew the gold star was slipping through my hand
when you replied
"My spear was gone, and I have no power left to fight."

Outside, it was dark
and the night sky had never been so empty
because a star could really wear out and die
even if I had all the might
to light it up for even just one entire fleet.

The archer and a lesson from a heron

An archer, went into the woods
with two of her loyal dogs.
She was quick, she was witty,
but was she good enough?
Would all her effort in her training
do her good?
Was she disciplined herself strict enough,
because when her arrows fell
there's also where her venture should fall.

As she went deeper into the woods,
her grip tightened, her pace widened.
She wanted to prove her struggle,
she wanted to prove her worth.

She heard a sound, near the bank of the river.
It might a hare for dinner,
but it also might a linx, a danger!
She gripped her bow tensely
and her arrow even more.
But when she uncovered who was behind,
it was just a heron, looking at she.

The heron, his eyes were wide, unafraid
standing on one feet
he was steady and still
in the middle of the cold rapid stream
though it was from the vessel
whom which the water of life flowed from
but indeed life was never always bright
and warm and pleasant
but the heron
standing on his one feet
in the middle of the cold rapid stream
stand steady and still

The heron was still looking at she
and she was stunned to watch him as if he told her so.
So she took down her bow and arrow,
and sat by the river bank, watching the heron.
The heron now moved his piercing gaze
from she to the water beneath.
His body bowed, but remain calm
was he kept on still.
And just when the time was right
his beak hoofed the water
and a fish was on his power.
And with a big gulp, the fish was gone
and so the heron, to the sky of late dawn.





(continued to part II)

080219

Clank, clank!
I kept hearing the sound like a pot full of soup being hit by wooden spoon. Boiling with the soup's spilling on the side, the sound was still audible, but slightly weaker: the sound made when the pot was in high temperature and made the lid of the pot trembled by the heat.

Clank! Clank!
I put my hands on my head, trying to make it stop. But I couldn't.

▬▬▬▬▬▬

I remembered one time after school, I was waiting for my mom to pick me up. Along with my brother, we walked away from the big roads, so that our mom could pick us easily without getting caught up by the traffic. While we were walking, I looked at my brother, walking in front of me. We weren't bound by blood, we didn't grew up together, so silence and distance were the only languages we were most fluent in, if not the most natural, when we were together.

We finally got there and we waited by a big 2-story house. It looked like it was uninhabited and that's why we went there waiting for our mom. The school and the house weren't that far, but sure today was warmer than usual, and our mom hadn't come after more than half an hour waiting.

Bored, I softly swung the chain that fenced off the house yard. Clank, clank, clank! I watched the links of the chain clashed into another and uncommonly became more interested in it. As 'softly' now gradually turned into 'brutally', my brother yelled at me. Though I wasn't very acquainted even with the meaning of the word, I totally forgot that ‘malice’ was also something that my brother almost natively understand.

▬▬▬▬▬▬

He admitted that he did harm himself. Tried not to panic, judgmental, or ignorant, I asked him what he did to himself. Frankly enough, though he hadn't answered it yet, I started to imagine the sharp blade pierced through the skin, only that it was not him who did it, but me.

Did you cut yourself? I asked again. I hit myself, he replied. Like, slapping? I asked, tried not to sound funny. He shook his head. Having this hefty body, I have to make it a good use to its potential, he said, half jokingly. I forgot that he started exercising and building his body recently. He needed to channel his mind somewhere else, but I guessed, now that he was here talking to me and admitting he did bad stuff to himself, it wasn't working well.

He stopped and had a long pause, while looking at his hand that now clenched tightly, as if he was trying to keep something inside from running away from his hand. A bit later, he started talking again. I hit myself in the head as hard as I could. And if it's not hard enough, I'd bang my head to the wall. You know what it sounded like? He asked, I replied no, quite surprised that I said it with a cracked voice. I looked at him and saw that hollow eyes stared at nowhere. He moved his hand to his head, pretending to hit his head with it. Clank! Clank! Clank! He whispered. Did it hurt, I asked, as it was the most fitting question to ask. Having his eyes now looking at me, still as hollow, he replied: no, I felt nothing.

▬▬▬▬▬▬

I already took the second pill of medicine for my headache, and it wasn't even near the lunch time. The pain in my head was just unbearable that I felt like crying. Knowing that it would make a scene in such inappropriate place, I went downstairs, away from the crowd. I reached the knob of the restroom door and went inside, put down the toilet lid and sat on it. I massaged my temple and my scalp to further find myself crying even harder. It made my breath become unstable, and I tried so hard to keep it down. But instead of making me calmer, my head getting even more painful.

I hit my head softly, hoping that it would soothe the pain a bit. I felt nothing but frustration, the next thing I knew, I was already looking down, and banged my head in the restroom wall. Clank, clank... I held myself from wailing too loud. It definitely was not a good idea, but I was left with no choice.

Stop... stop... I whispered, holding my head ever so tightly as if I held it down firm enough, it would stop itself to explode. But the sound in my head was getting louder, as the throb in my head also became even deeper. Clank! Clank! CLANK!

Stop... Please make it stop... I wailed and begged, though I didn't even know whom I begged this to. All I needed was to make my head stop pounding... CLANK! CLANK! ...or to make my hands, which now clenched as if I was trying to keep something inside from running away from my hands, stop pounding themselves into my head... CLANK! CLANK! CLANK!

Please... My jaws quivered, clashing itself to each other, and it bothered me. I clamped my jaws together but it definitely wasn't the cure for your thudding head. CLANK! CLANK! CLANK!

CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! 
CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! 
CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! CLANK! 
CLANK! CLANK! CLANK!
CLANK! CLANK! 
CLANK! 

▬▬▬▬▬▬

I wished I could just stop it all and feel nothing.

Truman Show

That moment when you realized that God loves you for losing your sanity. And that another moment when you also realized that all those stars on the sky are actually bullshits: they're just projected by lots of LCD on the big overlapping black screens. And everything and anything, all together, had agreed to dig your grave on the stage, while the others watched them in distance. Others maybe would have the eagerness to participate as well, with their fake, ugly acting skills, but they're still going to be nominated in Oscar anyway. And it didn't matter anyway, because what mattered was how they were going to put you in that grave. We all knew who is going to win. So, just close your eyes tightly, and go to sleep, because by midnight, the director will put the play on. And don't get awaken up by the cheers of the audience--so close you ears tightly as well, and just let them take you. Let all the casts take you, let all the audience love you, let all the actress, the actors, the director win the Oscar, let them all win, because you know you're gonna lose anyway.




2014.

Untitled, 2013.

Pergilah, tolong.

Karena aku pasti akan kembali untuk menacari, aku pasti akan pulang lagi dan lagi
menuju rumahmu

dan mengagumi permadani indah yang terbuat dari paku yang selalu kau pasang di depan pintumu itu

dan walau berjuta kali kakiku menancap tak berdaya di atasnya

dan walau beratus juta kali pula kau ucapkan maaf setelahnya

dan walau aku semakin muak dan semakin yakin untuk pergi,

ataupun semakin butuh dan semakin ingin untuk tinggal,

pergilah, usirlah aku.

Paksalah aku untuk menggelandang,
tidur beralaskan jalan abu-abu yang dingin itu.

karena aku akan selalu mencari rumah itu,
namun bukan kamu.



2013.

I'd die for you

but that doesn't mean
that it is right for you
to kill me.